Usually when I am writing something like this with the ever so clever title "pathetic" I am usually refering to an old band mate, someone that has sued me, or more than likely someone I thought was a "friend" at one point but proved to eventually burn me.
No. Not today. This "brilliant" title refers to me. Yes the one and only.
It is no secret to my friends and family that I have been hooked on various substances,countless times, gotten sober, with various relapses. Believe me this is not really something I want to air publicly, OR have anyone else read. But I would be lying to say that because this is a "public blog" and No one should EVER have ANY trouble reading this what so ever. The truth is that it is more like an S.O.S..Maybe someone somewhere will red this and go "What the fuck is WRONG with this asshole?"
The truth is I have not accomplished ANYTHING with my life. I'm weak, a pathetic individual lower than the lowest you have EVER met in your life.
Currently it is 5:48. I am on a computer that I cannot afford to rent, in an apartment I can no longer afford. And also have some very, very, VERY fucking serious SERIOUS issue I have to deal with.
Dope sickness is not fun people. This is unlike any fucking nightmare you have ever faced in your entire lives. I am in pain. Serving time in a personal hell that I brought upon myself. The things that were interesting have become enemy.
Doing close to about 500 mg a DAY of A VERY SERIOUS opiate can ring any man to his knees. My mind EXTREMELY vulnerable. Barely able to type this out. Most people going through this require SERIOUS medical attention.
Sweating through multiple blankets. Nervousness, hot, cold, hot, cold. Masturbation pop off one nut in about 2 minutes flat. Pathetic. Rambling, crying UNCONTROLLABLE CRYING OOH GOD WHEN WILL TTHIS END?!!!???
Waiting until dawn to get more smokes. Watching videos of clean and strong people who have influenced me.
Embarrassed, ashamed, can't make a complete sentence without crying like a retarded child. Vomit. Smoke more. Ginger Ale. So much pain. Xanax. Out of commission. Will report more as I can...