Tuesday, December 22, 2009

In times of uncertainty the possibility, and most importantly the availability of suicide becomes most important.

Tuesday 12/22/2009 2100hrs
Well as you may or may not know (all 2 of you that read this, and those that hate me and what to use this against me) I am recording a new album. I had said many times that I would record a new album of material but only under a few stipulations. the first stipulation was that I would have to do it ALL myself. The recording, drums, bass, guitars, vocals, etc. The second would be that I wanted to quit drinking and a lot of the drugs I was pumping into my system. SO I could do it with a clear head. As far back as I could remember (since I started recording my own music I was using at least alcohol to "enhance" my vocal or any musical abilities. Now it doesn't take someone with an IQ over 15 to figure out that is bullshit. I wanted to have a clear head. I wanted to make an album that represents a part of my life. The hostility, the depression. I wanted an all out war. I wanted people to listen to it and experience every emotion possible. I wanted suicide. I wanted payback for all the things that had been done to me.

Will this record make you want to commit suicide? My honest hope is that yes. Do I want people to commit acts of violence because of this record? Yes. The record will have you running a vast array of emotions if you choose to liten to it carefully. I wanted it to be as pure as I could get it. Some will hate it. Some will love it. Most of those that choose to hate it could never do it themselves. Why? Well for some it's an inability to play several instruments. For some it's hard for them to step outside the herd ways of comfort and conformity. The record doesn't sound like much of anything going on in today's music. Don't get me wrong I am not saying this the next "A Blaze in the Northern Sky" by ANY means. Fuck if I could do ALL of the record analog I would. BELIEVE ME!

I went from being gun ho about doing this INSANELY intense record for a while to just wanting to do a joke record. Not like Daffy Val Yinkleyankle or something like that, but something not meant to be serious at all. Something to cut my teeth as a recording engineer. Before recording what I have so far for this I had only recorded a handful of songs to get started. All of which weren't ANYTHING to write home about. And in a way I was really down on myself for it. The first Charlie Christ stuff (performance wise) was ok. And then the Pure Black Misanthropy stuff was started. So so would be generous to call it at the time. My main concern was just getting really pure, raw, almost chainsaw sounding guitar sounds. Utilizing volume on the amp and the preamp on the interface. Finding that perfect place before the track goes into the red. And realizing you also had EQ that would boost volume and effects ALSO have levels in which you had to deal with. Keeping all that in mind I had to find the perfect place and settings to make sure I had not a "perfectly polished" sounding album (I wanted to keep it as rw and dirty as possible) but a consistent sounding album, so that way when it came to mastering it would be far less of a headache. Because believe me that last fucking thing in the world I need right now at this point in my fucking life is a god damn headache!

The recording process for this record became less and less of a joke, and more (I hate to say this for fear of sounding cliche and pretentious) THERAPEUTIC. But it was also east to loose that consistency. I didn't realize that indeed what I was doing was really just pre-production. I thought that the songs I had in my head were it. I was fundamentalist in my ways. I started using different drum sounds, and the whole thing when I took a step back sounded sloppy and REALLY unprofessional. Now, when making a record like this (as I have said before) I wanted to keep a really raw "fuck you" punk edge to it. And this is where philosophically some run into a double edged sword. But I knew what I had to do. It was only a matter of when, or if I had the fucking balls to admit to myself that what I had were just demos for this record, and light the fire under my ass to do it ALL OVER AGIAN.

Subsequently it was around this time that my computer was infected with a virus and all my files were deleted. I knew this was a sign. I knew this was also the time to light the proverbial bic lighter under my arse and get moving in a more organized fashion.

Once all the programs were reinstalled it was time to get back to work. Within 2 weeks I had most of what is recorded now. I made myself a whole new list of stipulations I would abide by and still abide by now until the release of this fucking beautiful fucking beast. The first was to actually WRITE down the preset drum sounds onto paper so we have consistent sounding drums throughout the entire album. The second was that I would absolutely NOT lay down ANY vocals unti ALL the music was finished. And last I would not upload ANY music to Myspace, facebook, et al until the album was ready for pressing and in my hand. And lastly I would only play the music I had for a handful of friends, other musicians, and associates. I also found that the less serious I took the project and less energy I exerted into the project, the more I got in return. That doesn't mean I didn't work my fucking ASS OFF on the record. It just means that if something went wrong, if a plug-in malfunctioned, anything at all, I did not stress myself out about it. I found this method very rewarding from where I sit today. And god dammit if I don't continue to do that for the rest of my recording ventures.

So that brings us to today. I am burned out, depleted, defeated, depressed, strung out, and I believe on the verge of suicide. A few weeks ago I decided to take a step back from the project and let my ears rest for a few days, weeks, however long it would take. I have made several attempts to go back into the studio and finish even just really basic things. I can't seem to even do that. I have found that my life's priorities are all out of order. I have found that I am far more fucked up than my music can even possibly describe. This is beyond image. This is beyond a cliche. This is beyond anywhere I ever wanted to be in my personal life. I have lived and slept in far too much negativity. The record will be finished. But will I do another one like this again? I don't know. I have gone to the other side. And I have come back. I have been so close to death I am nauseated just thinking of how close sometimes. Sometimes accidental, other times I had nothing but the intentions of dying. Only one thing is certain at this very moment; I will not finish this album until certain personal things are straightened out. And if they are resolved the possibility of another record from me is imminent. If they disintegrate into dust, I will most certainly follow suit, unless perhaps there is a miracle and I can pull myself from that hole than there will probably be an even more intense record than the one you are about to hear.

IT's all unpredictable. I can see a record of just nothing but classical style keyboards, and tripped out horrific oblivion. I also know there is a real "doomy" "sabbath style" project in the works as well. Either way when I am dead and gone there should be a nice collection of work left behind in the wake of my absence. And it should be noted that good, bad, or indifferent, I put more things out for society, than I took. And I just wish that a lot of people understood that for 5 fucking minutes of their pathetic and worthless lives. Maybe the world wouldn't be such a shitty place to live in.

Anyway I am through ranting about stuff no one even fucking cares about anyway. I can make one promise and one promise only. The Pure Black Misanthropy record WILL get finished. the record is almost done. It's just a matter of me getting my ass in gear and finishing it. I am not certain what will happen after that.

For those who read this; thank you for your time.

All of the hatred in the world,
Jason R. Donnelly